Julia

09:01 am: So I am due for a monthly update. School is good and I have about two weeks left till finals then break. I think I may get another 4.0 which is crazy. A year ago I could never imagine getting the grades I get now. Once it happens though, I feel awful if I don't do it again. Plus my goal of getting into a good law school is always in the back of my mind. I guess it's a good thing, just different.

So Ralph and I are OFFICIALLY over, I know I have been saying that for a good two years now, but this time it's really true. I haven't spoke to him in weeks and have no desire to. He was here at RIT in the beginning of the year, with a full scholorship, then decided he would rather quit school and go to Iraq to fight. Which was probably the thing that opened my eyes and showed me he wasn't worth my time. In the mean time, I did meet someone worth my time. We met at a white trash social, yes, I know, ideal for me. And now he is my boyfriend and I don't think I could ask for anything more. He really likes me and I really like him and he understands how fucked up I am and told me he will take it slow with me. Only problem is he is graduating after winter and leaving for Florida, but I'm not going to let that ruin a good thing right now. If it's meant to be, we will work through it.

I guess that's it, life is good. I am happy.

01:43 pm: i'm sure i have made many mistakes, but you are far by the worst.

and no, it's not who you think it is.

12:50 pm: so I'm back at school and everything is good so far. I love it here and it feels like home. Classes start tomorrow and I'm excited for that because it will keep me busy.

I met this boy, and I really really like him. But he tells me that there are things about me that he won't be able to deal with long term. It's funny, I've had like four boys tell me that in the last year yet I still don't want to change. I like myself, and I come first in my life, and if that's being selfish and bitchy, then so be it... I am not getting fucked over again by anyone. But yea, I like him hardcore but I don't think he feels the same and it sucks a lot, but I'll live.

Last night was ridiculous. I started drinking at like seven and by ten I was obliterated. I have been drinking beer for so long and last night I had vodka and it was not a good thing. For the first time ever I blacked out.. like I don't remember things after a certain time. I don't remember being at this kids apartment, or talking to this boy, or going to this boy's house. Nothing. I think that I should not drink any hard liquor anymore because last night was not a good thing.

I guess that's it.

10:06 pm: bored
So I'm bored and it's hot so I thought I would update. My life is pretty boring.. I go to work then come home and do the same thing the next morning. I miss school like whoa and I wish it was Fall. I not only miss my friends but actually doing work.. I always felt productive.

Ralph and I don't talk much anymore.. it's a good thing cause he's an asshole. Some days he will be crazy nice and some days he will be the biggest prick I've ever met. So oh well.. I guess what's done is done. No new guys in my life... that's probably a good thing too cause I still don't think I want a relationship. I think when the right guy comes along then maybe I'll be ready.

Um, I like my clothes and my handbags a lot. they make me happy.

ok that's it.

12:28 am: um yea
Alright, so it has been awhile so I thought I would update. Nothing really exciting happening in my life, as normal. School is amazing and I'm really happy here. I got a 3.0 last quarter and am doing crazy good this quarter and I'm losing tons of weight, seems like everything is falling into place. I still have my nights where I cry and think everything sucks but they are not as common as they used to be. My friends are amazing and I don't know where I would be without them, especially Mari. She is the most amazing girl ever and I have never had a connection with someone like I do her, we are basically the same person and we are inseperable.

I'm still speaking to Ralph. I don't know if this will ever end. I love him, plain and simple. And right now I can't see myself with anyone but him. I told him last week that I didn't want to speak anymore because I need to get over him and he was fine with that, but then today I was walking out of a building and he was walking in and then we ended up spending the rest of the day togehter. He makes me laugh and feel beautiful and smile. I am truly truly happy when I am with him and I never want to leave his side. Unfortunetly, he does leave me and I'm alone and sad till the next time I run into him or when he calls for sex. I know it's a fucked up relationship but all the tears I cry are worth the little time I get to be with him. I pray everyday that I will meet someone new that will make me forget about him, but that hasn't happened. Everyone I meet can't compare and I have no interest. I don't know, we will see. He is coming to RIT full time next year and I said something jokingly about him bringing his MCC girlfriend (I don't know if he has a girlfriend or not, I just tease him) and he said no, you'll be here. And then today he told me that he is looking forward to next year because he is always going to be at the Zeta house and hang out with me. I don't know what to think or feel and I think that is the worst of it. If he was mean all the time, it would be easier to move on, but he's not and I'm left here trying to depict every fucking thing he says and I will be until he leaves or we are together or I find someone else. I'm so pathetic.

So yea that's it, life is good in general and I'm expecting it to get better. What an amazing feeling. Being happy is something I think everyone should feel, and I know that sounds dumb, but I know a lot of people don't know what it is like to wake up happy, because I didn't for a long time. But it's awesome and I never want to go back to where I was ever again.

01:40 pm: i'm bored
[X] been drunk
[X] smoked pot
[X] kissed a member of the opposite sex
[x] rode in a taxi
[X] been dumped
[ ] shoplifted
[ ] been fired
[X] had a job
[ ] been in a fist fight
[X] snuck out of your parent's house
[ ] been arrested
[ ] stole something from your job
[ ] celebrated new years in times square
[ ] went on a blind date
[X] smoked a cigarette
[X] gone on an airplane by yourself
[ ] broken a bone
[X] had sex in a car
[X] white lied to a friend
[X] had a crush on a teacher
[ ] celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
[ ] been to europe
[X] made out in a movie
[X] taken caffeine pills
[X] been to disney land
[X] had a crush on someone you hardly knew
[X] been to california
[X] been skinny dipping
[X] regretted something
[ ] peed on someones lawn
[X] skipped school
[X] thrown up from drinking
[ ] lost your sibling
[X] been butt naked bangin on the bathroom floor
[X] kissed a member of the same sex
[ ] had sex with a girl
[X] had sex with a boy
[ ] been in a car accident
[ ] partied for days and days straight
[X] had a family member die
[X] played 'clue'
[X] had a sleepover party
[X] went ice skating
[ ] dropped x
[X] been cheated on
[X] had a boyfriend/girlfriend

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
01. Julia
02. Julie
03. Jules

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
01. Jules16938
02. Sanitygavein
03. Millan 1016

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND:
01. boys
02. economics
03. love

THREE THINGS THAT ANNOY YOU:
01. people who talk too much
02. people who think they know everything but they really don't
03. brown shoes with black belt or vice versa (yea I'm shallow)

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU
01. being alone
02. not finding someone to spend the rest of my life with
03. losing my mom

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
01. medication
02. diet pepsi
03. my blankie

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
01. Think Pink shirt
02. black sweat pants
03. hair tie around my wrist

THREE THINGS ON YOUR DESK:
01. vitamins
02. water
03. my phone

THREE THINGS YOU SAY THE MOST:
01. ew
02. i suck at life
03. i'm tired

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS AT THE MOMENT:
01. Ani Difranco
02. Jem
03. Moulin Rouge soundtrack (not really a band but yea)

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITES SONGS AT THE MOMENT:
01. "Your Song" - Moulin Rouge soundtrack
02. "You had time" - Ani Difranco
03. "Junkie" - Poe

THREE PEOPLE YOU SPEND THE MOST TIME WITH:
01. Mari
02. Mo
03. Maria

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS:(bonus points if you can guess yourself)
01. they are always there no matter what
02. they can read my facial expressions and know what I'm thinking
03. they make me laugh and give me a feeling inside I haven't felt ever

THREE THINGS YOU WOULD WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
01. TRUST
02. honesty
03. fun

THREE THINGS YOU CAN'T DO:
01. whistle
02. a split
03. keep my room clean :(

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
01. sleeping
02. sewing
03. drinking

THREE THINGS YOU WANT REALLY BAD RIGHT NOW:
01. to lose weight
02. things to be like they were with Ralph a year and a half ago
03. to get my homework done

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
01. Detective
02. Business Ownder
03. Border Patrol (yea weird)

THREE PLACES YOU WOULD GO ON VACATION:
01. Fiji
02. Austrila
03. California

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
01. find my soulmate
02. be happy with myself
03. make my mom proud of me

06:21 pm: India

So it's been three years since my India died. That's a crazy long time. Time is a crazy thing because it seems like yesterday that she was by my side. I miss her soooo much and I don't think I have ever been truly happy since she was alive. I know it sounds weird and pathetic that a dog could make me so happy but she was the reason I woke up in the morning and she was the only thing that made me smile. I lived for her and she lived for me.

So much has happened in these last three years, I've fallen in love and had my heart broken. I've gone to college and made mistakes and met the most amazing people ever. My father is part of my life again and I have direction now. Yet I'm still not happy, why is that? I guess it's just part of life and I guess I will be diseased with this feeling that something is missing for the rest of my life. I wish I could blame it on India for dying, I wish I could believe that if she was still around I would at least have something in my life to live for, but I don't think I would. I don't know.

Anyway, I love you India and there isn't a day go by that you don't cross my mind. I miss you and I hope you aren't alone, because I know how much you hated that.

I'm pathetic...

06:33 pm: I'm ok alone, right?

05:41 pm:

so last night was fucking crazy... maybe one of the craziest yet. drama all around but what are you going to do. I burnt my hand trying to take a flaming shot of 151, yea not such a good idea. but yea, my whole hand lit on fire. it was quite an interesting night.

so I'm officially single, Ralph and I havent spoke in weeks and the boy i was seeing is gone now too so it's just me. but I can honestly say i've never been more happy with my surroundings and my friends. I know a lot of the girls think ZTA is going to shit, but I'm really happy here.

I guess that's it, I should clean my room cause it's nasty.

03:20 pm:

I'm bored and delaying getting ready for class so i thought I would update. I hate school soooo much, like I like being here but I hate all my classes and I have no motivation. I really want to do well here but it's so hard. All I look forward to is the weekends, it's stupid. and all I do during the week is sleep. oh. I have nothing left to say, here's a cute picture of my roomie trish and I on our way out to a party.

11:09 pm: now that the night is over, I'm still hurting

so now that I'm not so drunk and not in shock, I hurt more than I ever thought I would. My heart feels like it was chopped into ten million pieces. I don't care that he is seeing someone else, I dont care that he's going out without me, I care that he lied to me and that it's over now. He's been part of my life for almost three years now and I don't know what to do without him. I know I've said that it was over before and that I was done with him, but now I know I can't go back because i promised myself i wouldn't when he found someone else. but i still have hope, I still have this hope that we are going to get married and live happily ever after. because that's how it was supposed to be and i can't imagine my life with anyone else and that's so sad and pathetic but that's how it is. I dont know what to do. there is nothing I can do except take it day by day and move on. and i'm scared to face tomorrow because I'm scared I'm going to wake up hurtin still and I dont want to. I dont want to hurt like this again. i did this already with david, and it was the hardest time ever, and now I have to do it again and i dont want to. i dont make any sense. fuck.

02:57 am: fucking god

so yea I just ran into fucking RAlph at denny's with a bunch of twelve year old sluts and he was too much of a fucking pussy to face me and now it's fucking over. I hope he has a fucking wonderful life with those whores and I hope they will babysit his children and so his laundry like I did. my mom was right, he went back to his roots of white trash. but yet my heart is still broken... i guess i've been through this before and i guess i will be ok. i hope so.

11:48 pm: eh

I haven't updated for awhile so I thought I should do so. I'm home now and pretty miserable. I dont think I would be any better at school though. My mom and I arent getting along so well but I think it's just cause I'm miserable. I dont know what to do. I think I need to go back on my medication and then maybe my mood would be stable and I wont lash out at her so much.
I'm working almost everyday which is good because I like to work. I need money like whoa because I need to buy a lot of things. I got new shoes today and that was good thing.
Ralph and I arent talking anymore which is good. I got pretty wasted Friday night and made a HUGE mistake and now I feel worse than I did a week ago about our situation. I feel like he has the upperhand hand on me which sucks because he really doesn't. I'm gonna be really good without him and I wish he could know that. I don't need him anymore and I know one day he will regret it. But I guess we all do things we will regret.
I fucked up real bad at RIT grade wise. I can fix it though which is good. No more being stupid on my part.
I never realized how much fun I had with my girls from Webster. I love Clare and Cass like whoa and I'm glad we all became friends again. These are the girls I'm gonna talk to forever.
Friday night was CRAZY. I dont remember much which is funny cause I usually do remember things when I am drunk. but that's ok, it was fun.
I guess that is it. I'll update laterr

08:03 pm: stolen from cass who stole it from cait
1. Go into your LJ's archives.
2. Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.


I wish I looked like Audrey Hepburn....

07:50 pm: update!
it's been a long while since I have updated and I'm frustrated with my homework so I thought I would procrastinate. there's a lot going on right now but nothing that is really exciting. Ralph and I broke up about a month and a half ago, but of course we are still talking and trying to fix things. Not many people know we are still talking because I feel that our relationship was being judged a lot by my family and friends so I'm trying to keep my mouth closed. for anyone that has been truly in love they know how hard it is to walk away from something that has so much potential. Ralph was my world for two years and I love him with all of my heart and there is nothing that is going to change that. Our problems are caused by us both being stubborn and not wanting to see our own problems let alone fix them. but I think that we have both come to the point where we see that if we don't change we are never going to work and I don't believe I could ever work with anyone else for that matter either.

I've heard that people don't and can't change. and I thought that was true and that Ralph and I would just work through things for now and sooner or later we would end up apart because things would go back to the way we were. But last night he really proved to me that he wanted to change and he was trying. I get anxiety attacks when I get really upset, I start sweating and I shiver and my stomach gets upset and my heart pounds and my mind races and it's crazy. For anyone who has them, they know how crazy they are and how much you can't stop even when you want to, and for those who don't have them, it's hard to imagine not being able to calm yourself down even when you know you are being irrational. but anyways I had one and usually before when I would get them Ralph would be mean and basically say suck it up and get over it which basically led to us breaking up but last night he was so unbelievably patient with me and when I asked him not to get off the phone with me he pleasantly agreed and I was very very shocked. so maybe people can change? who knows, we'll see.

I'm rushing for a sorority, I know, it's crazy. For people that know me they can't see me being social like that but here at RIT I'm surrounded by totally unsocial people and it's pushed me to the point where I crave people's presence. it's weird but it's cool. so the sorority is Zeta Tau Alpha and they are really cool. The girls are so nice and down to earth but are like me at the same time. I guess you would have to really know me to understand that statement. But yea, Bid night is Weds and I really hope I get a bid because I really want this.

Classes are cool this semester and I need to do good because if not life will suck. They are challenging but a cool challenging that actually somewhat intrigues me.

oh another reason I want to join a sorority is because my roommate left and my one good friend left too, which means I'm all alone. I like having my room to myself but it gets kinda lonely too.

OH and I have met the man I want to marry, after Ralph that is, I'm not going to say his name because he went to Webster and it's kinda pathetic but we will call him electrician boy because that's what he is. it's basically just a really big crush and I feel like I'm 11 again but he's soooooooo pretty and the most amazingly nice guy ever and the girls at work were making fun of me because how bad we were flirting. but he has a girlfriend and I have a "boyfriend" (I do quotes because we havent established exactly what Ralph and I are right now) but he's pretty and I would like to marry him.

I guess that is it, long post but I probably won't post for another month anyway so it's ok.

ok that's it.

06:28 pm: blahhhhhhhh

So I'm back at school and not happy. Today isn't as bad as yesterday but I still am not enjoying it. I don't know what I expected when I came here, something more than it is obviously. I looked forward to college so much throughout highschool and now that I am here it's not anything that I thought. I think RIT may just not be for me and I would transfer but I don't know where else I would go. I don't want to give up the education I am getting here because it will take me farther than any other school around here but I've never been so miserable in my life. I guess all I can do is wait it out.

Ralph and I are doing ok as of this minute, but maybe by tonight we won't be. Right now we flucuate so much it's ridiculous and sometimes I think we should just break up and move on but deep down I don't want to because I love him with all my heart and soul. I think it's the combination of things that is putting stress on our relationship, him being in the barracks and hating it and me being at school and hating it. His surgery coming up and him going to school and getting schlorships and getting out of the army. It's hard right now but I think we can make it through as long as neither of us stumbles.


I think I am depressed. or what doctors would diagnose as depression. I have no motivation, I am tired ALL the time. Like last night I went to bed at 11, woke up at 8, went to classes till two, came back and napped for 2 hours, went to class and now I am back and I could go to sleep for another 6 hours right now. I'm paranoid all the time about Ralph cheating on me, like it consumes my thoughts half the day when I know he is not. And I'm crying all the time now over nothing. I think my birth control probably has something to do with it and just not being happy here but I think I am going to call the doctor tomorrow and see about getting on medication. I know a lot of people think that medication is stupid but it's got to be better than how I am right now.

I guess that is it for now.

02:07 pm: holy fuck
The way things are, you feel that you are stuck in a rut and there is not much you can do about it. You feel frustrated and inhibited but if you can find a way to let yourself go, you may find that things aren't quite so bad as perhaps you thought they were. One consolation is that since you are an extremely emotional individual, with the right person you may be able to release some of that frustration and tension with some mutual tender loving care.

For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted. Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people, as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust nobody - until they can prove themselves to you.

Since in the recent past all of your hopes and aspirations have been denied you, you are now convinced that the future will hold nothing but anxiety so therefore 'why bother?' You would love to get away from it all, to escape from the trials and tribulations of this mundane existence and fall into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, which will protect you from the lack of appreciation and give you the chance to start afresh.



crazy colorgenics. so yea, everything sucks right now..I want to crawl into a hole and die. i hate rit and i hate being trapped and i hate how everything is right now. i keep waiting for shit to get better and it never does. i think i'm bound to be miserable for the rest of my life.

11:52 pm: fuck

I'm soooo sick of this. It's not fun anymore, I don't like being the girl with the boyfriend that is overseas anymore.. I don't like going to bed depressed anymore, I don't like staying home on the weekends anymore.. it's not cool anymore. he needs to come back.. I'm at my breaking point.. I can't do this much longer.. I feel like shit 90% of the time, and he can't fix it with his phone calls anymore. He needs to be here, I need to know that he is two hours away, not across the world. I'm not happy.

I talked to the girlfriend of a soldier today. Her boyfriend left after Ralph for Afghanistan and is back already. He left AFTER and is back BEFORE Ralph. How is that fair? how on earth can that be right? I know that there are men in Iraq that have been there for like a year now, Ralph has been in Djibouti for over six months now, why do these people get to come home early? why does she get to be happy when I deserve it more? I know that sounds bitchy but I don't care. Ralph and I deserve to be together, he deserves to be at home with the people he loves. He deserves it. I'm pissed off at the army, at the war and at the world. it's not fucking fair. I'm all alone and Ralph is all alone and it's not fucking fair...

04:14 pm:

so today is a good day because my stupid econ class got cancelled and I got new shoes that Ralphface bought for me and yea, it's good. Two weeks left of school and then break and then like three more weeks of school and then Ralph comes home at christmas time forever and ever and i cant wait. Everything is good between us right now, and I'm starting to think that it may stay that way for awhile. we love eachother so much and we communicate and I know i don't want to live without him and I dont think he wants to live without me either and I think it will work. we are working really hard on the trust issue. he's right that we need to resolve that before we can get any farther in our relationship. but i think that soon enough that will be taken care of. I'm crazy though and even in hte shower today I was thinking and fretting over the ways he could fuck me over. I don't know. I'm scared I guess and that's all I know is men cheating on their wives/girlfriends. I have to be better though or he won't stick around. I know it may be hard to believe but I'm kinda hard to deal with in a relationship.. at least i am exciting and a good lay or i think i would never find anyone. I'm making no sense. ok now I think it's time to clean up around here. maybe i'll update later probably not though.

05:16 pm: I just wanted to see if my other picture works. olivia is so damn cute. heh